Sleep Psychology

About a month ago, I went to the doctor because I haven't been sleeping well. In fact, there are only 2-3 nights per month that I get 6.5 hours of sleep (if you look at my sleep journal.) I have a cousin who struggles with the same thing, so maybe it's a family trait. Lovely gene to inherit. Anyway, the doctor was so kind, and referred me to a sleep psychologist. The sleep psychologist has me following 6 rules, such as not going to bed until I'm sleepy (not exhausted, "Sleepy"), getting out of bed if I have laid there for more than 20 minutes, getting up at the same time everyday, etc. This is a 2 week study, and I'm curious to see the outcome and what the doctor has to say about it. So far, not good.

It's very frustrating. I feel like I have a newborn ...and that there is no hope of this newborn ever growing up! Supposedly, hopelessness is a common attribute in people who don't sleep. Don't get me wrong, I'm not hopeless about life, just sleep. This is very important as depression has officially been ruled out as "the cause". Anxiety, however, has not been ruled out. That's no surprise for me, and probably for anyone who knows me. I am, unfortunately, always worried about all of you.

I just feel like I cannot completely enjoy anything. Take today for example. I'll be having breakfast with a friend who I haven't seen in one year, and won't see again for another year as she lives in the Philippines. I'm doing a focus group on "Dining out" this afternoon, and then going to see Sex and the City tonight with Karen. All fun things, but I can almost guarantee that I'll have a headache by noon from pushing, pushing, pushing myself through exhaustion every single day. (In case you're wondering, I got 5.25 hours of sleep last night. I'm not allowed to look at the clock, another "rule", but Kevin looks at it for me so that I can write it down in my journal.)

If you're ever up at night, and can't sleep, just think of me, laying in the dark doing what you're doing day in and day out. I realize this sounds bitter. In this moment, I am.